Articles & Resources
The Sangoma's Gift:
Building Inclusion Through Honor, Respect, and Generosity of Spirit
Patrick O'Neill
On a visit to South Africa, I met a man named Oswell who gave me much to ponder about honor, respect, and generosity of spirit in building inclusion. The occasion that brought us together was a three-day meeting that explored themes of forgiveness and reconciliation between black, brown, and white communities in the new South Africa.
Oswell is a Sangoma, or traditional healer, of the Xhosa people. He arrived on the first morning of the seminar with his host, an Afrikaner named Stephen. I was asked to meet them at the door and unofficially make them welcome. It was my first meeting with a Sangoma and I was nervous, unsure of how to greet him.
Oswell is a tall, powerfully built man who appears to be in his mid-fifties. On that day he wore a gray tweed sports jacket over a T-shirt and slacks and a traditional fur hat. The Sangoma made a soft clapping motion in greeting. Instinctively, I clapped back.
As the fortunate beneficiary of a short coaching session on traditional protocol, I had been directed to ask where the Sangoma wished to be seated in the circle of participants. Oswell indicated a seat on the east side of the room, in the direction associated with the ancestors by the Xhosa people. I inquired how he wished to have his presence acknowledged in the collective. Oswell indicated that this was a question he wished to consider and that I needed to do nothing at the time.
The first day of the meeting proceeded, seemingly without incident. Oswell the Sangoma sat in his seat in the east, keenly observing the dialogue process as it unfolded, a silent participant. By day's end, however, it appeared that all was not well with the Sangoma. As he departed, Oswell confided that the traditional protocol that would have allowed him to fully participate in the collective had not been observed.
I was alarmed at this news. What protocol was he talking about? Had I not asked him what could be done to acknowledge his presence?
Oswell explained that traditional protocol required that a Sangoma be publicly acknowledged as a sign of respect and that the responsibility for acknowledgment rested with Stephen, his host. Because this had not happened, the Sangoma had been made "invisible" and without a place in the group. He had been dishonored, and the disrespect had left him feeling "unwell." Oswell told me that he would need to speak with Stephen about the matter before he returned to the meeting on the following day.
The next morning the Sangoma was back. We clapped our morning greetings to each other as he took his place in the east, opposite Stephen. At the first opportunity, Stephen rose and addressed the collective. He formally apologized to Oswell for his breach of traditional protocol and acknowledged that his act of dishonor and disrespect had left his guest "invisible" the previous day.
He explained that he had meant Oswell no harm. But in his own defense Stephen admitted that he had not possessed the knowledge of how to introduce or include a Xhosa Sangoma in a meeting. He thanked the Sangoma for allowing him to rectify the discourtesy, acknowledged him for his diplomacy and skill at bringing the matter to his attention and apologized once more for his lack of awareness.
Then Oswell rose. He confirmed that he had been sickened by the lack of recognition and acknowledgment that had caused him to have no place in the collective. Oswell said this incident had reminded him that the traditional ways of honor and respect were rapidly disappearing. This was especially evident, he said, because the people had forgotten the importance and place of the ancestors. That the ancestors were no longer acknowledged and honored was at the root of the problem, the root cause of sickness in society. Soon, he reckoned, the Sangomas would have no place in their own culture. Then what would happen to the people?
It was easy to see from the Sangoma's point of view how the decline of honor and respect could erode a whole culture. Oswell acknowledged Stephen for correcting the breach of protocol. This would allow him, he assured the collective, a proper place to fully participate. Now he was feeling well again and looked forward to the day ahead.
The incident of the sick Sangoma caught most of us by surprise. I could see Oswell's point of view. But I could also see Stephen's and empathize with his plight as the host.
It was not that Stephen held an intention to be disrespectful of Oswell. Rather, it seemed to be a case of "disharmonic convergence"-one of those seemingly innocuous encounters between cultures that, despite good intentions, become crash sites for honor and respect.
Stephen believed that he had been a good host by inviting his friend Oswell to the meeting. He was confident that extending an invitation, providing transportation, and acting in a courteous manner were acts of good hosting. By most Western standards, Stephen was an exemplary host. By indigenous standards, he missed the boat.
The Withering of Involvement
The story of Oswell and Stephen is unfortunately widespread, played out daily in countless ways. In dialogue sessions I have witnessed hundreds of people talk about the pain and embarrassment that comes from the dishonor and disrespect they have felt. These experiences commonly fall into two broad categories of lack of appreciation: "Not Being Seen" and "Not Being Heard." When we are unseen or unheard, the message is clear: We are less worthy.
That a human being is intrinsically better, more gifted, or more worthy is an abhorrent concept to most people. This is especially true in the West, where we argue that equality is the basis of our social contract. But our behavior routinely lags behind our espoused beliefs and this is often so with issues of diversity. Our competitive society is reductionist-people are either winners or losers. This is, as Oswell might say, a root cause of the continued decline of honor and respect between people.
We have all been on the receiving end of disrespect, and we have all dished it out. Those very same dialogue participants who shared their pain and alienation from not being seen or heard also uncovered countless examples of when they were guilty of unconscious, careless, and unskilled behavior that undermined the dignity of others. A different kind of pain went with that realization.
And yet, central to most cultures of the world is a tradition of hospitality with well-defined protocol-time-honored values, norms, skills and behaviors assigned to the role of host and the role of guest. To violate these codes would bring dishonor to the individual, family, community, even the nation. Transgressions of honor, respect, and hospitality were often rectified on the battlefield.
With hostilities and conflicts accelerating within and between families, organizations, communities and nations, it would seem prudent to recover our traditional protocols and practices of hospitality. How and why did we lose them? Perhaps in the stories that we stopped telling, the songs that we no longer sing, in the community rituals that have lost their meaning or have been forgotten altogether. We have, as Oswell suggests, forgotten the ancestors.
The Good Host
How can we begin to restore hospitality to ensure that our guests are honored-that they have a place from which to participate, a place to be seen and heard? One pathway is through the recovery of meaning.
The word host means "to extend warmth and generosity to guests or strangers." Host, hospitality, hospital and hospice all share a common root -the Latin word hospitia.
Hospitality is a cornerstone of collective relationship. A good host is one who is open or receptive to another. A good host treats a guest with honesty, fairness and respect. A good host recognizes and acknowledges the worthiness of the guest. A good host is gracious, kind, courteous and compassionate.
The word hostile shares the same Latin root. Hostility is characterized by antagonism, unfriendliness, lack of warmth or generosity. Hostility is indifference. It is the arrogance of ignorance.
It is an act of hostility when we are not honored, respected and received. It is an act of hostility to find ourselves in a culture where we are not heard or acknowledged. In these moments we move from responsibility into reactivity. From reactivity comes conflict.
In many ways Stephen was good host to Oswell. The breakdown occurred because Stephen and Oswell did not share a common understanding of the roles and responsibilities of hospitality. Stephen was unaware of the protocols that would allow Oswell to be seen in the collective. As a result, Oswell was not acknowledged publicly by his host as a worthy person.
Hosting Gifts and Talents
Later, an astute colleague observed that while Stephen's apology had allowed Oswell to participate in the collective, the Sangoma's true gift and talent as a healer had not come forward.
It was true. The Sangoma had performed an important function as a teacher. Over the three-day meeting, Oswell had consistently provided valued insights and observations representing traditional or indigenous perspectives. I wonder what impact the Sangoma might have made had we the sensitivity and skills to host his gifts and talents for healing. That these gifts were not available to a forum on healing the wounds of apartheid is an irony and a loss.
Oswell's plight is common. So many of the diverse individual and cultural gifts and talents that people bring into collectives and communities are placed at risk, lost, or withheld because we are poor hosts. Through ignorance, insensitivity, or lack of training, we are often reminded that there is no place for us or our gifts and talents.
Looking at this phenomena in a corporate setting, I have heard many senior executives complain that they are not getting a high enough return on their human resources, especially around issues of creativity, productivity, and problem solving.
One of the principal reasons for this, according to the people in their organizations, is the preponderance of low-trust, high risk environments exacerbated by stress.
Stress is often rooted in the collective belief that there is insufficient time, talent and resources to solve problems and seize opportunities. In this climate, civility is undermined by fear. To expose your gifts and talents is to be vulnerable to the judgment and evaluation of others. This presents a risk. Similarly, many people in organizations espouse the intention to honor diversity, yet practice expediency, citing the bottom line as justification: a classic Catch 22.
Inclusion: Breaking the Cycle
How do we break this cycle and restore honor and respect to daily life so that diverse cultures, perspectives, experiences, gifts, and talents are available? The biggest opportunity is the development of inclusion skills and practices. Inclusion is the ability to actively cultivate a contribution of people's diverse gifts, talents and experiences for the collective good.
Many of us feel isolated and excluded from our families, communities, and organizations. We have colluded to an illusion that we do not make a difference. This illusion is supported by the common experience of not being seen or heard. Despair and alienation commonly accompany this experience.
The good host is a master of inclusion who recognizes that the everyone's contribution is important to the collective well-being. The good host ignites gifts, talents and collective wisdom by applying the skills of inclusion, especially the tools of empathic listening and acknowledgment.
Empathic Listening
Empathic listening is the ability to set aside one's own assumptions to fully receive or include other people. It is the ability to host different points of view and suspend judgment and evaluation of others. It is the ability to put compassion and intimacy to work in relationship.
Applying this skill may have prevented the conflict that emerged between Oswell and Stephen and supported their shared commitment to a friendship that bridged cultures.
Empathic listening has four steps.
Disarm
The first step is to make and keep a commitment to understand others. That is, to understand where others are coming from, what their needs are, and the unique contributions they have to offer.
To accomplish this, we must "disarm." This requires that our commitment to understand another person be equal to or greater than our commitment to our own agenda. And, we must be able to hold that commitment over those influences that may divert our attention, distract us from our role, or create defensive reasoning or behaviors.
The fears that block our ability to disarm are embarrassment and threat.
These fears are rooted in the belief that we must protect ourselves from others by hiding or covering up lest it be discovered to be somehow not good enough.
When we experience the fear of embarrassment, we seek protection or become aggressive, believing ourselves to be somehow "under attack." These fears set in motion a dynamic of "hostility." It is virtually impossible to give and receive in relationships when we experience this form of reactivity.
In order to disarm, we must work hard to rebuild trust. When we establish safety in relationships, we can become successful at this step of empathic listening. It is useful to begin by asking ourselves some questions that will help us determine our state of readiness:
- In this conversation, what am I committed to in my role as a listener? Am I hosting the messenger? Am I hosting the message? What distracts me from my role as a listener?
- Is this a safe place for my honored guest? This is especially important when we're having conversations in which we don't share the same perspective.
- Is this a place that allows me to slow down? One of the tenets of good hosting is that we have enough time for our honored guest-that we're not trying to race through the moment to get somewhere else.
- What is the state of our relationship? Where is the trust level? What must I do to ensure that I am trustworthy?
- Have we agreed on a process for communication and especially for listening? Too much focus on the content of our message and too little on the process sabotages good listening and communication. Is there enough time for everybody to express themselves?
- Is there an agreement about confidentiality? Nothing erodes trust and is more dishonorable and more disrespectful than breaking confidentiality
- Am I being patient? Am I treating this person as though he or she is my honored guest? Am I extending kindness and courtesy?
Remembering and using these questions is fundamental to assuring the success of the first step of empathic listening-to disarm.
The challenge for Oswell and Stephen at this step of empathic listening was to work together so that the personal and the cultural assumptions accompanying the roles and responsibilities of hospitality were mutually understood. This promotes safety. Stephen would know what was expected of him as host because it would have been agreed. Unfortunately, the conversation did not take place perhaps because the second step of empathic listening was not observed.
Suspend Assumptions
The second step of empathic listening is to create an opening by suspending our assumptions. Assumptions are the stories, pictures, preconceptions, beliefs and patterns that we hold as true without testing them out.
Because we have come to identify with these assumptions so completely, they form the filters through which we understand and know the world. This process is automatic and self-sealing, leaving us unaware of the impact our assumptions have on our perceptions of reality and our receptivity to other people.
In the geography of our psyche, assumptions are like "tectonic plates," a rigidity associated with the formation of land masses. Just as the earth transforms from liquid to solid states, so do our perceptions. They can become fixed and static creating an over-identification or attachment with one location on the perceptual map. This sets up the conditions for the human dynamics that accompany fixed perspectives and inflexibility.
The meaning of the word respect is "to look again." By suspending our assumptions, we recover the ability to extend respect, to look again. This creates an opening for another person to be seen and understood on his or her own terms, not on our own rigid or fixed terms.
We don't have to give up our beliefs to suspend our assumptions. We simply set them to one side so that we can receive what another has to offer without the filter of automatic, preconceived, personal, and cultural conditioning. This allows us greater flexibility, more flow, and the opportunity to view experience through the eyes of other people.
As a result, we can appreciate and host different points of view and extend true generosity of spirit to others. Ultimately, we may learn something from the perspectives or experiences of other people, causing us to modify our viewpoints and grow.
Suspending our assumptions reduces the collisions that can occur when the tectonic plates of differing perceptions meet. The fault lines of diversity give way to a natural convergence that enriches everyone.
Four questions have proven useful as a way of interrupting the automatic nature of assumptions:
- What if how I see it is not true?
- What if the opposite is true?
- What if it's half true?
- What if it's only true for me?
Asking these four questions helps interrupt our perceptual and behavioral patterns for reflection. This creates an opening where it is possible to suspend our assumptions and fully receive another person.
Suspending our assumptions may be one of our most challenging hosting skills. Had the second skill of empathic listening been applied to the case of the sick Sangoma, it could have prevented the experience of "dis-ease" for both Oswell and Stephen.
Stephen assumed that Oswell's needs were met. As a result, Stephen was surprised to find himself in conflict with Oswell without the awareness of what he had done to contribute to the situation.
To practice the skill of suspending assumptions, Stephen could have said to Oswell, "Is there something I could be doing to support your participation in the meeting?"
Oswell could have replied, "There are some traditional protocols that need to be observed by both of us. Here's what they are. Thank you for asking."
The ability to suspend our assumptions and interrupt the automatic nature of how we see and respond to the world is vital to creating an opening for diversity. It prepares us for step three-hosting our honored guests.
Put Feelings First, Facts Second
The third step is to remember to "host" the messenger and the message as honored guests, acknowledging feelings first and facts second. By hosting the messenger, we extend honor and respect, recognizing that person as a human being with feelings and not just as a "task delivery system." We also pay respectful attention to the content of the message. This is an authentic act of hospitality.
Because this is empathic listening-the listening skill that creates safety and trust through empathy-it is important that the human connection be established by hosting feelings first. We act on the intention of putting our guest at ease, providing a safe place to disarm. When people's feelings are acknowledged, it signals the importance that is placed on the person and on the relationship. This provides a solid foundation for working together and establishes the relationship line between people. Authenticity and congruence is the glue that bonds the line.
This is the skill that served Stephen and Oswell well in the process of reconciliation. When Stephen acknowledged Oswell's feelings, he demonstrated his commitment to the individual, his friendship, and a deep respect for the position Oswell held within his community. This allowed a correction to take place in the relationship, recovering the balance that had been upset by Stephen's unintentional discourtesy.
Often, we come together cautiously, fearful of exposing ourselves to threat or embarrassment which could lead to loss of face and hostility.
The third skill of empathic listening is particularly useful in diversity situations because "creative tension" is usually present as people look for bridges across personal and cultural gaps.
Empathic listening acknowledges or "hosts" how people are feeling-it acknowledges the fears and sensitivities that accompany moving into the unknown in relationship. This allows us to slow down and take the time necessary for familiarity, which comes from the Latin familiaritas, the root word of family and intimacy. Hosting feelings first results in safety, promotes learning, and supports friendship and collegiality.
We deal with "facts second" to convey our understanding of the message. When we host the message as an honored guest, we bring all of our resources to bear on understanding-being "thoroughly familiar" and "coming into a state of cooperation and tolerance" with someone or something.
This is the domain of accuracy, especially vital to intercultural communication and conflict resolution. Meaning is embedded in a shared understanding of cultural and personal assumptions. As we attempt to bridge cultural gaps, where people may be working in second or third languages, it is critical to agree on what things mean. This requires precision, specificity and patience.
Patience is an act of generosity of spirit and confirms that we are willing to devote our undivided time and attention to ensure that we move forward together in common understanding.
Understanding the messenger and the message is essential to diversity work. It promotes shared meaning, collaborative problem solving, wise management of ideas and processes, and cooperative action. This helps reduce the incidence of conflict and supports peace between people and communities.
Check In
The fourth step is to check in to make sure that we understand the perspective of others. Being certain of how accurately we have heard is the most important of the four steps-and it's the step we consistently forget. Why? Because most of us assume that we are skilled at listening for accuracy. Unfortunately, this assumption is often not supported by the evidence. The fourth step of empathic listening requires that we check in with the other person to make sure that what we heard is what was said.
This step is especially useful in diversity work to support the development of shared understanding and meaning across cultures. Meaning is embedded in cultural and personal assumptions, including language, customs, myths, and group and personal experiences.
Checking in requires that we do the ground work to ensure common understanding by slowing down our communication process and discovering that what we think we heard and what was meant by the speaker are aligned. Because our minds move from particulars to generalizations at lightening speed, our reliability as listeners and speakers must always be supported by reality checks.
When Oswell first arrived at the meeting and was asked how he wished to have his presence acknowledged, he replied that he wished to consider the question further and that nothing needed to be done at the time. One might have interpreted this to mean "you're off the hook." Another interpretation is "please check in with me later."
A good host sees to the needs of the honored guest not just upon their arrival. Good hospitality, like friendship, requires ongoing attention. Employing this principle, Stephen would have made a point of ensuring that Oswell's needs and concerns were met by checking in with his guest periodically throughout the course of the meeting.
Consistent checking allows us to determine how well we have practiced the first three steps of the empathic listening process. This last step is the most important step because it acts as a safety net in relationship. Should we forget to disarm, suspend our assumptions, and host the messenger and the message, the skill of checking in with our honored guest will remind us of our commitment to empathic listening.
Acknowledgment
The companion skill to empathic listening is acknowledgment, the conversational skill of taking notice or expressing appreciation.
Acknowledgment is the speaking that generates inclusion-actively cultivating people's involvement by recognizing that their presence and contributions are important.
In South Africa, this is part of the "ubuntu ethic," which holds that "a person is a person because of other people." By ignoring or withholding acknowledgment, we render people invisible and limit the potential for full participation in the life of our collectives. This was the source of Oswell's sickness at the meeting. The remedy was Stephen's acknowledgment, restoring Oswell's voice in the collective.
Practicing the skill of acknowledgment is an act of healing. Yet, the widespread condition of low self-esteem would indicate that it is a healing practice in decline. We have underdeveloped and underutilized our skills of acknowledgment. Instead, we have elevated criticism to an art form.
"Wherever people receive the least acknowledgement," Dr. Angeles Arrien says, "is where they may carry beliefs of inadequacy, or low self-worth."
Acknowledgment works with empathic listening to create a safe and supportive container for our gifts and talents. The practice of these two skill sets cultivate inclusion and support diversity.
Conclusion
Oswell and Stephen recovered the balance in their relationship because they were honorable men. Their commitment to respect and generosity of spirit was greater than the commitment to being right or saving face.
The good will demonstrated by each man allowed reconciliation. It began when Oswell approached Stephen privately with his concerns. The respectful guest, wishing to avoid a moment of public embarrassment for his host, used discretion to bring forward information about the breach in hospitality. This was not to cover up what had happened. Rather, he sought to avoid igniting further reactivity and restore hospitality where it had been forgotten.
Stephen, acting as the good host, listened carefully to his honored guest, acknowledging both feelings and facts. He took responsibility for restoring Oswell's full participation in the collective by publicly acknowledging his oversight and praising Oswell for his patience and skill at handling the discourtesy.
The foundation for taking full advantage of and celebrating diversity in our lives is trust. Central to building trust is the practice of honor and respect. Trust and diversity are interconnected. In place they create magic. When missing, as happens so often in modern society, they create reactivity and conflict.
By returning to the practices of inclusion, we have an opportunity to recover honor and respect in relationship and as a result solve many of the issues that plague our nations, communities, companies, families, and everyday lives.
Inclusion is the protocol that allowed the Sangoma to participate in the meeting. Inclusion is also the protocol that can begin to allow each person's gifts and talents to "show up" and make a unique contribution to the collective.